Turn Off the Music here \/

Friday, August 28, 2009

Comedienne

When I Grow Up, I wanna be a star, I wanna be rich, I wanna be famous~


and I'll do it by spreading drag-atitis! or laughter.


Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a dollar, she gets a hundred cents.

Yo mama so stupid, when she puts those coins in the parking meter, she asks "where's my gumball?"

Yo mama's ass soo big, when she bends over to look for them gumballs, she got more crack then a drug dealer.


Woohoo! Triple Threat y'all!


Anyway, I don't mean to insult yo mama. I just wanted to tell you a story.

The other day, my girlfriend came over.

She asked me to take off her sexy top.

then she asked me to take off her short,short skirt.

and then she told me:
"stop wearing my clothes!"


I can so work this gig.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ooh Lala, I want a Vizelia

I'm not sure if it is available for private home use, but a girl can dream can't she?




Imagine such a system installed in your own home? You never have to stand up again.
If I could install one in a club.


(+) Hot Guys
CLICK, HOLD, DRAG CLOSER

(DEL) Ugly boys & Old men

(COPY+PASTE) Shots and Long Island Tea

(SHIFT) Female competition

(CONTROL) Music selection

(ENTER) repeatedly ;)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Women Language

Do you speak Venusian?
Well I do.

Let Lavida break it down for the clueless.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


Aren't you glad Lavida speaks fluent Venusian? 

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This is a Public Service message.

Lavida feels that she must contribute to society as an upstanding divinity.

Therefore I have created this advertisement for my frisky wallabies who like to give or receive BJs.

 
Yes, Oral sex is risky as well. Perhaps getting some sheer glyde dams isn't such a bad idea...
So remember children, putting on two layers of condoms makes it tear
and Spit! don't swallow.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Facebook Danger

Once again, you are here with Lavida. You know you can't resist my charms ;D

As I have said many times before (but you just weren't listening!), I drag for educational purposes.
So I have an important lessons to teach you wallabies.

Don't put up any insults, threats or complaints onto your facebook status unless they're veiled, masked and inferential. In other words. let's leave direct assaults to wrestlers.

 
Let me present to you a clear cut case of badly-placed complaint. A girl had forgotten that she had her boss as a 'friend' on Facebook (we all know its just ass kissing). She then expressed her colourful vocabulary about her boss on her Facebook Status.
Let us take a look at Exhibit A.
 
Awww. Poor girl. She flattered herself.
And Mr Boss, we queens don't prance about. ---- We glide.

So hope you all learn from this example. People are always watching. So we must keep a close watch on what we are showing the world.

As a drag queen, regality, poise, beauty, personality, color, desirability, impressiveness are all things that i was born with. Sadly, that is not you're case. So please do work on show your glitter to the world my wallabies.

Perhaps one day, some of you may become a true drag wallaby.

*hand does screw lightbulb motion*
Be merry my children - Lavida Loves

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Brand New Breasts!

Shante my darling wallabies!

Mama has just received her brand new breasts! flown in from Canada!
Who needs plastic surgery when they can hang au naturale

They are soft as a baby's bottom. Tender fillets. (PS, my clueless boys out there, girls wear silicon bras which are called CHICKEN FILLETS, cuz they look like that. duh. They do not wear RAW chicken meat on their breasts!)
Back to my detachable breasts~
The nipples are permanently pert, The straps are detachable in the center, the back, and even at the shoulders. Straps are clear PVC. Washable and non stick. So you need to wear a bra or leave the straps on.

Sure they are also meant for breast cancer patients who've undergone Mastectomy. But the seller's realized a whole new market in the Mister Sisters department :D

So If any of you preening wallabies wish to sprout a pair of boobilicious. This is Lavida's recommended store. EBAY!
http://shop.ebay.com.au/lebeauty888/m.html

Thousand-Hand Guan Yin

I mentioned the transexual chinese goddess Guan Yin, (ok she's not a transexual but indeterminate sex), in one of my recent posts. If you wallabies have been listening at all.

I recently received a chain email (oh how Lavida despises thee) that includes this beautiful find.

A rare email that I actually find interesting.
Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf.  Yes, you read correctly.  All 21 of the dancers are complete deaf-mutes. Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage, these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is both intricate and stirring.
 
Who knew deaf-mutes could be so coordinated.

Why can't deaf-Mutes just be deaf only? I thought Helen Keller pioneered the finger in mouth technique. For you clueless wallabies out there who have no idea what I am talking about.

Helen Keller was born a blind and deaf person .......
Ah Fuck it, just go to the wiki - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller


Anyway, Lavida Loca shall ascend now~ The Goddess with a thousand cocktails in each hand blesses you :)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Preclub Video and Table, Forks and Spoons

New Video!!! I have to build anticipation by only releasing the Preclubbing video...
(that and my editing takes time alright, you wild Wallabies!)


Something Lavida found whilst in Chinatown
A sign in the toilet
You would think their customers are retarded or something. Like how many times has this happened that they have to make a warning sign.
Or maybe, they have really reallly REALLY lazy dishwashers.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Sheer Glyde Vagina Sheets!

Today Lavida discovered

SHEER GLYDE DAMS

SHEER GLYDE dams are a silky thin 25cm x 15 cm (10 inches x 6 inches) latex sheet especially designed as a barrier for use during oral sex (cunnilingus - oral vaginal sex, or rimming - oral/anal sex).

DAMNsss!


Importance of safe oral sex
Most men and women do not understand the risk they may be exposing themselves to when engaging in unprotected oral sex. During oral sex, unless a barrier product is used, many infections can be transmitted, including genital herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhoea and AIDS. SHEER GLYDE dams, when properly used, help reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Have fun with coloured, flavoured dams
Our remarkable superior quality SHEER GLYDE dams are available in a variety of fun and fruity colours and flavours including creme/vanilla, pink/strawberry, purple/wildberry and black/cola. Many users also like to use GLYDE Ultra personal lubricant with SHEER GLYDE dams.








So I guess these are like Oral condoms. How interesting. Has anyone tried these before?

Sometimes, it feels like we should just create our own body condom. Wrap your partner up in cling wrap. Poke breathing holes for nostrils. If cling wrap tears...simply use cellophane tape to repair.

(warning! following these instructions may lead to severe health problems such as HIV, AIDS, SYPHILLIS, DEATH and worst of all...PREGNANCY!)

Lavida Loves.

Buddhadrag

 
This is what I'd imagine Buddha to be if he were a drag queen.
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Beautiful isn't she. She has Buddha's ethereal quality, and a drag queen's penchant for glitter!

On a side note, did you know that the Chinese Goddess of Mercy, Guan Yin/Quan Yin, is technically a transexual?!

....was originally depicted as Buddha when he was still a prince, and therefore wears chest-revealing clothing and may even sport a moustache. However, in China, Guanyin is usually depicted as a woman. Additionally, some people believe that Guanyin is both man and woman (or perhaps neither).
- Wikipedia (link)

Ok maybe not, but she/he sure sounds like she could be my patron goddess of drag. I have a new ambition! I want to grow up to be like Guan Yin!

 
Strangely, Quan Yin is very similar to the Virgin Mary in Catholic depictions, or the Madonna and child. Twilight zone!
Oh My Goddess!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Historical Hysterical

Remember how we used to think Mario was the best diggity-doo-dah out there?



I guess its hard for the underdogs. Here's to rule-abiding villains of all games...sacrificing themselves for our entertainment.

Ye shall be remembered....

whatever your names were.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Performance soon

I shall have to do a performance soon on the 10th of September. This is an epic moment for Lavida my lil wallabies. So do support her.

For my performance, I considered buying this front lace wig which is pretty cheap http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=190322411049&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT

It only costs around 50 AUSD for both cost and shipment.

It has the cool front lace feature that makes it look like its growing straight from your scalp.

What do you think? Is it a good investment? I can then fling it about and do wild dances.

Apparently there's this wig shop just opposite the Victoria Market that can make a full custom human hair wig for me. Their price quotation was around 250-300 as well. Do you think it's a smart choice buying it from them?

It'll be so much harder to decide on a single hair style though. it'll be 300 bucks. and we want that to last...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Full Front Lace Wigs all the way!



Oh my goddess! my little wallabies,
If you have extra cash to throw on lil ol' me, do get me a full front lace wig. I have learnt so much from this one video. Where have I been all these months of dragging?

Imagine me flinging my hair about without worry. Imagine doing cartwheels in heels and getting back up with my wig still on. Ahh, a dream come true.

So if there's a fairygoddessmother out there, grant me my pharking wish already!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

To My F*cking Boy Mode!

Look here, No, This is not even addressed to you. Because I have nothing I need to explain to you. This is addressed to my Boymode - Emerald.

EMERALD! fucking wake up already. I know you will always end up forgiving and forgetting. but know this. This so called 'sister' has stepped on you again and again.

You didn't say anything when you had to walk to her place all the time and she didn't even bother to take a taxi to pick you on the way. You didn't say anything when she used to come to your place and drink all your booze but she makes sure you split all alcohol and taxi costs with her. You didn't complain when she intentionally puts you down whenever your girl mode buys or receives something nice. Whenever someone compliments you, she makes sure she inserts a compliment about herself. You let yourself be pulled by her selfishness whenever she wants to go somewhere else , even though you don't. You stay and avoid the men, just to watch out for her till the morning at the peel, but she thinks you're just staying cuz you can't get a guy. Even when it comes to your own project she still tries to make the whole thing about her.

You may forget those things. But remember this Emerald. Remember the Fucking Message she sent you! "

"U always take my trash. I'm pissed cause not you went back with the guy. Cause people told me u were so cheap to go back with my second hand."

Remember always that she accused you of taking her trash even though she only HEARD it from someone else. She's not even sure herself. Even though she was taking a SHIT as soon as you walked into the club, when you met him. And how many times you said nothing even though she went back with guys that you yourself rejected and ran away from. She said you took her TRASH! Apparently she has a non-refundable/non-reusable stamp on her lipstick, cuz when she's kissed them. They are permanently rejected and no one can touch them.

Remember how many times she left you alone at the clubs?! How many times you were left alone or having to take care of the girls that he dumps aside on those nites. How he leaves with men and doesn't mention a single thing and never even thought twice about it. You have tons of witnesses.

Remember her fucking story
"Its so irrtating u know cause even I didn't say it. Everyone told me loh. I don't care. Its just u din even tell me u were leaving."

I didn't even bother to reply her 3 other messages and her miss call. Cuz you know its bullshit!

I already told her off for you
" Look Watever dude. I am extremely aware. If u want to say this kind of bullshit thing then fine. lets just stop hangin out then. Don't call me anymoer. Stop callin all my advertising friends. I will stop callin any friends tat I know thru u. its not a problem at all. bye."

So Emerald, my boychild. you don't have to worry about ur so called drag sister anymore. I've taken care of it for you. You're better off anyway.

AND Listen here you cheap imitation of a Car! Emerald may forgive you tomoro. He may ignore this problem and join your charade of nothing-ever-happened. But Lavida will remember it! I FUCKING remember this. you can say over and over again to forget this. But this time I'm putting a black mark down.

So Just Fuck OFF!

Jewel/Lavida.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Drag to the Zoo!


Yes my wonderful wallabies! Me, my drag hags and a straightie matie went to the zoo... and I just happened to be in a dress thats all.

I walked in and showed my Student ID at the ticket counter. The girl smiled at me as I told her "I know, I don't look like my photo." She said it was totally alright and I can walk right ahead. Nice girl. Bad eyesight.

The Sun shone over my wig. I ran in like the wild, uncaged animal that I am, and began my hunt for exotic clothing materials. Feathers, boas, furs and skins; Everything would probably look better on me anyway.


Instantly I found the cool crowd where I instantly fit right in. The beautiful people of the zoo, The Peacocks!.. or pea hens... It was truly a delectable hen party. Funny hens I tell you. Donna and Sasha (on my right and left) are hilarious chicks. Erica (the one at the back) is a bitch though. She thinks she's all that.




I wandered into the bamboo forest then.. Such a Zen sort of setting.



Conducive to a short snack and photo-op. The drag-hags prancing around like animals. How unbecoming, ladies. truly.


I soon discovered the butterfly zone. Rumour has it, this was where Mariah Carey once lived. A swarm of butterflies seem to hum " oh oh oh~ oh oh ooh~ Why you so obsessed with me~"
And just like their previous mistress, they were attracted to glitter as well. It is no surprise they came straight for my ring and to pay homage to their new queen. They are well-mannered you see, these butterflies, they knew to kiss the rings of royalty. This one I knighted ' Sir Suckup' ---------- because it sucks up nectar! you silly possums!


All in all, it was an adventure. The animals knew it when they saw royalty; but the HUMANS! Smart species. Poor eyesight. 

No one noticed a drag queen! They didn't even kneel and kiss the ground I walk on. 
urgh. Men!

Till the next adventure. Lavida lavishes her love on you.
Don't Feed The Models!

Jem & The Holograms

No wonder I was on the sure path to drag-otory
This is the type of cartoon I was addicted to as a kid. before I mastered the art of feminine illusion.

I remember how I'd rush home from kindergarten and turn on the TV. because Jem is on! her pink hair and stars on her eyes. So glam and flam.



It's weird to see it again after so long. ahaha. What was your childhood cartoon?

Actress

I just finished helping my friend do this video. A fake audition for Big Brother.
It's not really my house, but all the props are really mine. 

If you need an asian drag queen, let me know; I have to start charging though. lol. I might have a bright future as an actress.

Friday, August 14, 2009

From the Peel

Hey babes! just got home from the Peel!
I love it! tonight was such a fun night. Thanks Sergio for the ride home. And Glasses man for the three drinks plus those for my friends.

Let me tell you, Gay guys will do anything for some airtime! ahahaha. I brought a videocam into the club. And everyone was fighting for a little attention. Night mode is the bomb babes! I look like Paris Hilton filming a porno model shoot. 

When you're desired, everyone wants a piece of you. The Glasses man and a Lesbian was fighting for me. A Lesbian people! LESBIAN!!!! Going after a Drag Queen. such transbian stuff. (tranny + lesbian) both were grabbing my hands, and in the end, I just went home with the bouncer! lol. Shh dun think he'll like it.

Video Clips coming up soon! love it! Lavida Loves!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Virgin Post!

There you go, with a splash of red!

Hi my pretties, Lavida Loca speaks on her blog for the first time. I'm not here to fan my ego (but you sure can do it for me ;)  but I'm here to entertain you!

I've come to realise that I have too good a story to tell. The world must know about the Vida Loca , spanish for crazy life, but if you don't know that... you must have been hiding in the closet much too long. Ricky Martin's hit song honey, Livin La Vida Loca!

Therefore, I plan to let you stalk me, talk to me, follow me and even direct me... if you're lucky. So let the dragdomination begin!

don't tear you're tights girls ;) Lavida Loves